I see many people in my Practice who want to understand, and then stop, falling in to repetitive relationship patterns, where they are left feeling sad, confused and disappointed.
In all areas of our lives we attract not what we want, but what we believe we deserve. Sadly our prophecies about how life is going to treat us, have a horrible habit of being fulfilled.
On a conscious level, you may feel worthy of a beautiful and successful relationship, but at an un-conscious level you're telling yourself something different.
When we get what we feel we deserve, we feel comfortable, but if we get more than we feel worthy of, or because it seems perfect, it can leave us feeling anxious or questioning. We can use all kinds of arguments and defences, to explain why a relationship that doesn't reflect how we feel about ourselves is unsafe, or needs to be brought to an end.
If you continually find yourself in unhealthy relationships, you need to review what it is that you want.
If you stay in a relationship that leaves you feeling unhappy, it's because you don't want to face another failure with the multiple feelings that brings.
Ask yourself what you would want if you could truly have the things that are important. Think about the type of person you want to be with, including their values, and the feelings you would want to experience, The harder it is to find answers, the more important it is to complete the exercise. If it’s unclear what you want you won’t get it.
I encourage people to create a poster or visual representation of their desires. Find pictures in magazines of people you find attractive. Add words to represent the qualities that are important, such as loving, honest, affectionate or anything else that you think is important. Keep the images and words available as a reminder of what’s important.
The most important factor that is going to change your relationship patterns is to improve your relationship with yourself. This is where counselling and psychotherapy can often bring about a profound difference.
If you feel you need help with your relationships, or low self-esteem, please get in contact to arrange an initial meeting.